Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dogs Are Better Than Humans- and my story of survival, recovery and success.

They Know But DO NOT Tell

You ask of my companions.
Hills, sir, and the sundown,
and a dog as large as myself that my father bought me.
They are better than human beings,
because they know but do not tell.

- Emily Dickinson

Above is a self-portrait of me and my golden retriever, Abby. She will be 13 this year. I know her time here is short. But it's a reminder to enjoy today. Abby struggles with arthrits and seizures, but does well with a dose of remidyl daily and some over the counter "calm down" during thunder storms. ( I should give her a glass of wine, since it is 13% alcohol.) I decided to try to take some photos of Abby and me, holding the digital DSL at arms length. Now that was funny.

First Abby is afraid of the camera, which might flash, which reminds her of a lightening and thunder storm, which will mean she must pace around the house, and find a place to hide and pant and cry.Which is not unlike myself.....chaining negative events one after another, ending in some horrid yet unlikely consequence. But she let me do this that day. No flash, no red eye blinking lights, so she tolerated it.

How is that like me?

I struggle with depression that comes and goes, since about 1984. I'm afraid to not take the medicine. I do not want to be in a pit of despair, ever again. It hurts my soul. It takes too long to climb out. It's too hard to climb out. It distracts me from those I love and from what I love. I lie in bed, curled in a ball, or flat on my back, covered with a blanket, that surely will protect me, from....out there.

My friend Chel, in the Land of ZNE is sharing her story, to try to open discussion and understanding about mental illness, depression, suicide. I admire her courage. I will try to start sharing my story.

It's a story of survival, recovery, and I like to think, success. There are success stories.

We should tell them.


HeArt Collective said...

lady you rock my heart...
i love you!

helen said...

I am so glad you've come forward. I have also been inspired by Chel, but don't have a blog up yet to link with you all. Soon.
Thanks for going first,

Chelise said...


I love your post and your honesty. I love too that you start out by describing your wonderful dog.

One does have to wonder - if everyone were capable of the unconditional love that a dog can provide, how much better would this world be?

Please let me know if I can repost this on the AAMH blog. I'd be honored if I could.

You describe the paralysis of serious depression, and the quagmire of feeling that you have to take medicine for (perhaps) the rest of your life - very well.

Much love to you -

xoxo - Chel

Chelise said...

Whoops. Can you believe I called you Bonnie? You and your eBay ID. Sheesh. For the longest time I thought Gina Smith lived in England because her eBay ID was LillysofLondinish.

Sorry Donna.

I may mix up your name in my head, but never your place in my heart.

bonniebluedenim said...

ahhhh chel, I know who you mean!